The Problem With Learning Your Lesson

Advice is one of those things you should take with a grain of salt, like people commenting on how you look, or some guy yelling at you on the street, because most of the time people tell you what you want to hear, or people are telling you what not to do, it's because they themselves have made that mistake and want you to avoid it. What's fucked up though, is the only reason it's a mistake is because it didn't workout.

Like, in my last relationship, I learned we need to give people clean slates, but that's only after I spent months anxious about what my boyfriend might do to hurt me. I spent months waiting for something to get fucked up. You know what happened? Shit got fucked up. Shocker. Now I feel like the biggest asshole, because very few people (maybe sociopaths), would actually go through the effort of dating and hanging out with someone, only to try to hurt them. It just doesn't happen.

If I was on the other end of someone trying to make sure I was a decent human everyday, it would become a huge, exhausting burden. That's what happened, basically, even though we did have so much fun when we were together, I was so anxious that I would stress the hell out when we weren't together. It sucks to admit that I made myself crazy, but only because I didn't want to get hurt. You know what happened? I got hurt. But that's how we sadly learn from our mistakes, by fucking up. I'm glad that I learned that lesson, but I sort of wish I had learned it with someone I didn't love so much. That's life though.

I guess what I can take away is this: Regardless of the outcome, I've learned to take a step back and not worry so much about what's out of my control. I will miss this person always, but more than anything, I hope they're happy now and with someone who will be a lot more chill than I was. Most women are, but sadly I wasn't. I understand why I was defensive and it's okay. Timing is a real bitch though. That's the problem with learning lessons, once you learn them, it's usually to late. 

I Miss Him Sometimes

It perhaps might have been the oddest living situation ever. It's one that I could never fully explain to anyone, let alone a boy. I don't even understand it myself? I guess it was all just hope and love. I loved him. I really did love him. He was a really nice guy, despite the fact that he ended up totally dicking me over. He was actually nice person. He did a lot of little things, things I don't know if people ever noticed? He used to always tip the deli guy for a sandwich, and he knew all of their names. He would buy everyone at the bar drinks, even if he barely had a penny to his name. If I had friends in town, he would take care of them like they were family. He took care of people.

However, he also did a lot of really messed up things. I know in my heart of hearts it wasn't normal that he would wake me up by spooning with me in the morning. I know that roommates don't tickle each other, they don't fondle boobs, or kiss necks. I was just stupid, because I believed that deep down it meant something, but it didn't. It really was the most heartbreaking day when I told him that I cared for him, and he said a simple and indifferent, I know.

I've never had two words hurt so badly. For almost three years, I kept hoping he would loved me too, and was just too afraid to say something. I had built a huge sad fake future for us.

Yet, even though I was heartbroken, I was also relieved, just to know how he felt. We can't control how we feel, and I'm sure that he did love me, just not in the way I wanted. He wasn't secretly planning our wedding. I guess, even though the truth hurts, at least I can finally move on with my life. I wasn't it for him.

The truth is, as hurt as I am, more than anything, I want him to be happy.