I Miss Him Sometimes

It perhaps might have been the oddest living situation ever. It's one that I could never fully explain to anyone, let alone a boy. I don't even understand it myself? I guess it was all just hope and love. I loved him. I really did love him. He was a really nice guy, despite the fact that he ended up totally dicking me over. He was actually nice person. He did a lot of little things, things I don't know if people ever noticed? He used to always tip the deli guy for a sandwich, and he knew all of their names. He would buy everyone at the bar drinks, even if he barely had a penny to his name. If I had friends in town, he would take care of them like they were family. He took care of people.

However, he also did a lot of really messed up things. I know in my heart of hearts it wasn't normal that he would wake me up by spooning with me in the morning. I know that roommates don't tickle each other, they don't fondle boobs, or kiss necks. I was just stupid, because I believed that deep down it meant something, but it didn't. It really was the most heartbreaking day when I told him that I cared for him, and he said a simple and indifferent, I know.

I've never had two words hurt so badly. For almost three years, I kept hoping he would loved me too, and was just too afraid to say something. I had built a huge sad fake future for us.

Yet, even though I was heartbroken, I was also relieved, just to know how he felt. We can't control how we feel, and I'm sure that he did love me, just not in the way I wanted. He wasn't secretly planning our wedding. I guess, even though the truth hurts, at least I can finally move on with my life. I wasn't it for him.

The truth is, as hurt as I am, more than anything, I want him to be happy.