The Problem With Learning Your Lesson

Advice is one of those things you should take with a grain of salt, like people commenting on how you look, or some guy yelling at you on the street, because most of the time people tell you what you want to hear, or people are telling you what not to do, it's because they themselves have made that mistake and want you to avoid it. What's fucked up though, is the only reason it's a mistake is because it didn't workout.

Like, in my last relationship, I learned we need to give people clean slates, but that's only after I spent months anxious about what my boyfriend might do to hurt me. I spent months waiting for something to get fucked up. You know what happened? Shit got fucked up. Shocker. Now I feel like the biggest asshole, because very few people (maybe sociopaths), would actually go through the effort of dating and hanging out with someone, only to try to hurt them. It just doesn't happen.

If I was on the other end of someone trying to make sure I was a decent human everyday, it would become a huge, exhausting burden. That's what happened, basically, even though we did have so much fun when we were together, I was so anxious that I would stress the hell out when we weren't together. It sucks to admit that I made myself crazy, but only because I didn't want to get hurt. You know what happened? I got hurt. But that's how we sadly learn from our mistakes, by fucking up. I'm glad that I learned that lesson, but I sort of wish I had learned it with someone I didn't love so much. That's life though.

I guess what I can take away is this: Regardless of the outcome, I've learned to take a step back and not worry so much about what's out of my control. I will miss this person always, but more than anything, I hope they're happy now and with someone who will be a lot more chill than I was. Most women are, but sadly I wasn't. I understand why I was defensive and it's okay. Timing is a real bitch though. That's the problem with learning lessons, once you learn them, it's usually to late. 

I Miss Him Sometimes

It perhaps might have been the oddest living situation ever. It's one that I could never fully explain to anyone, let alone a boy. I don't even understand it myself? I guess it was all just hope and love. I loved him. I really did love him. He was a really nice guy, despite the fact that he ended up totally dicking me over. He was actually nice person. He did a lot of little things, things I don't know if people ever noticed? He used to always tip the deli guy for a sandwich, and he knew all of their names. He would buy everyone at the bar drinks, even if he barely had a penny to his name. If I had friends in town, he would take care of them like they were family. He took care of people.

However, he also did a lot of really messed up things. I know in my heart of hearts it wasn't normal that he would wake me up by spooning with me in the morning. I know that roommates don't tickle each other, they don't fondle boobs, or kiss necks. I was just stupid, because I believed that deep down it meant something, but it didn't. It really was the most heartbreaking day when I told him that I cared for him, and he said a simple and indifferent, I know.

I've never had two words hurt so badly. For almost three years, I kept hoping he would loved me too, and was just too afraid to say something. I had built a huge sad fake future for us.

Yet, even though I was heartbroken, I was also relieved, just to know how he felt. We can't control how we feel, and I'm sure that he did love me, just not in the way I wanted. He wasn't secretly planning our wedding. I guess, even though the truth hurts, at least I can finally move on with my life. I wasn't it for him.

The truth is, as hurt as I am, more than anything, I want him to be happy. 

Lend Love a Hand and Discover It Too

“The hardest part of love is to stop searching, and allow love to stumble upon you. Do not seek the crafty eccentric that is love, for it works in very unfeasible ways. When it’s your time to be discovered, Love will find you, and when Love does, lend Love a hand and discover it too!” ~some shit I made up, yeah baby!

Love is the most magnificent phenomenon in the world. Love can open up the gates of heaven right here on earth. Love can bring you pleasure and illumination that you could not have imagined otherwise. Love at its best is uncomplicated and wonderful. It’s like having a best friend and a lover all rolled up in a crazy love burrito. It’s like the greatest thing in the world. But you can’t look for love. You discover it, stumble upon it or fall in it. Which is really strange sounding, actually. Love seems to be the only thing we ever want to “fall in”. I mean, for the most part, besides love; “falling in” something more often than not is something we try to steer clear of in life. It’s also not fun when you’re falling into anything alone, and the other person is looking at you, like: Why are you such a loser?

Recently I’ve been really thinking about what it’s supposed to actually feel like when love is the right fit. Maybe it’s just like the word “Fit”. I mean it in terms of clothing. Like when you go to a dressing room to try on something, but some things are too tight, too big, too long, too short, too blue, too yellow, not yellow enough, that pair of acid washed jeans looked perfect on the rack, but...and that’s kind of how love is.

On the contrary, sometimes you find that perfect outfit, which seems like it was made in the heavens just for you. It fits every inch of your body perfectly, and makes you look ten pounds lighter. That’s kind of what I think it will be like when you meet the right person. You won’t have too think so much, and they will just be tailor made for you, and all the little weird and wonderful things that make you, you. But you have to go through a lot people that don’t fit you first, and you might try to make them fit. OH, YOU’LL TRY! But you’ll fail and fail and fail. Until one day, when it’s the right fit, it’ll be easy.

The truth is, it’s never easy, until it is easy. When that happens, it’s amazing! But, It’s never easy to control our emotions. Sometimes we think we’ve found that perfect person. Except that person doesn’t feel the same way. That’s just the worst feeling in the world. Because we know that they can’t control how anyone feels, but at the same time, why can’t they see what you see? Which is…how utterly amazing you both are together! But they can’t. Cause they don’t feel that way, or they’re gay, or straight, too old, too young, they’re black, or white, or yellow, or they don’t have hair, or bad teeth, or they’re dry funny and you like a different kind of funny. There are a million reasons why people aren’t on the same page, but whatever the reason is, it really sucks ass!

I guess at the end of the day, you have too learn that while you can’t love everyone romantically, you can still deeply care and love people in a friendly way. That’s not always easy to do when you’re waiting for them to realize that way deep down they actually do love you, but if you get over that little hump...You can share a very loving friendship together. However, if you can’t? I highly recommend not having a friendship with that person; because it will be filled with a deep silent pain that will slowly crush your spirit and break your heart.

Room Service

I work in Room Service at a five star hotel in New York City. I've worked there for six years and counting. And at this point there's no end in site. I used to work in an escort service booking girls for "time and companionship" on an hourly basis. My job is pretty similar. Only instead of women, I send food to hotel rooms. Sometimes I actually miss working in an escort service. I didn't have to deal with any union bullshit. Not to mention, we got to watch cable tv while we worked. That's always a bonus.

Now I just hustle burgers and apple pie, instead of blonds and hair pie. Everyday I pray that I get fired. Yet I do nothing to get fired for. There's gotta be something else out there.

Cat's out of the Bag

I told a boy about this blog. For some reason I told him it was fake. Some of it is fake, like...the names. The names are fake. I don't work at a laundromat. My roommate isn't really my best friend. While he's a good friend, he's not my "best friend". I started this stupid thing as a joke. I was writing a scrip, a scrip I couldn't finish because it became true. It was about this girl working in a laundromat, who falls in love with her best friend. The original best friend was based on a different guy. One of my real best guy friends. But as I was writing it, using him in mind; the character was too sweet. I started thinking about people I know that are cool, but kinda dicks. Like, an asshole with a heart of gold. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, my roommate! He's the biggest dick with a heart of gold that I know.

Then an odd thing happened; I started to actually get real feelings for my roommate. As my feelings grew, it became harder and harder to write the story. Because now the story was real. Things I had written previously were coming true. Like some kind of cosmic joke. But isn't that just life? One big cosmic joke.

When I couldn't write the story, I started the fake blog. Tracking random moments, if I remembered them. Some things are made-up. Some moments are real. Mostly it's just a reminder to myself of all the time I wasted. I guess at some point in everyone's life we all waste time hoping for a fantasy to be a reality. I blame the movies. But, I mostly blame myself for being a douche bag.

Stories Don't Always Have a Great Ending

Not all stories have the great endings we all hope for. The boy doesn't always have the great epiphany that he loves the girl. He doesn't jump out of a cab that's stuck in traffic, and start racing down the street to catch her at a party, to admit his undying love to her. These things only happen in the movies. In real life, you tell your best friend, "I love you, and not in a friendly way,". He has little to no reaction. Life continues as it always has. As if nothing was even said, and your words meant nothing to him, because they didn't. Because, he loves you, just not like that.

Then one day he says he's moving. This is the big ending to the movie. His big goodbye is when he jiggles you in your sleep, and tells you goodbye and he'll call you soon. Like I said, Not all stories have great endings.

Now I sit here in my big empty apartment, and I think about all of that time I wasted. I feel awful for the boy I dated. How he didn't stand a chance, because I was hoping for some kind of movie fantasy that was never going to happen. I feel bad for any guy I was dealing with, because I just kept hoping I would get real feeling for them. I kept hoping I would give up the ghost. That I would like them so much I wouldn't care about my best friend.

Maybe he just needed to leave. It's nice actually. I'm not holding on to this silly dream anymore. To this hope that he was ever going to look at me in that special way. That's a horrible feeling to live with. It's a terrible feeling to come home too. It's not fun to read into every gesture and cuddle, and hope that there's more there. when deep down, I knew it was nothing.

For the very first time in a long time I can allow myself to be open, I can maybe meet someone I like, that likes me back. There won't be any blockage. That's really exciting. I actually have someone I really like right now. It's just nice to like someone. I don't know what the ending will be? But I hope this one will have a happy ending.

Completely and Magnificently Awkward

I was in my bed, watching Arrested Development “meditating” to Michael Cera’s sweet fucking barely legal ass, when Braylon came home from work. He was obviously inebriated, but I overlooked it. He crawled into my bed and snuggled next to me. The snuggling part wasn’t so strange. We snuggle all the time. I knew deep down that something felt different, off. I could feel his hands wandering more. It wasn’t unusual for him to fondle my breast, or for me to let him. It was odd for him to try to do it underneath my nightgown. I didn’t stop him, I didn’t want to. I could feel my heart racing as he was touching me. In my head I kept thinking, this is everything you’ve been waiting for. It wasn’t though; He was clearly smashed. He wasn’t thinking clearly, his last girlfriend just broke up with him, he was lonely.

At some point, I knew I should have said something, but then He started kissing my neck, and I’m pretty powerless when it comes to my neck, and before I knew it…well, we were kissing…like old Hollywood style throw down session. I’d forgotten how smooth his lips were, and how warm they felt against mine. He kept clutching my back, thrusting my body firmer against his. I couldn’t hold onto his body snug enough. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to let my embrace from him go. Then the reality sank in. What the hell am I doing? Stop! Stop! I can’t do this.

This is where the spectacularly awkward part happens. This is when you know how well you know someone. We’re both lying there, and neither one of us is saying a word, because what do you say? Nothing! There is nothing to say at this point. The embarrassment has happened. I sneak over him and grab my water bottle I keep on my night stand. I take a mouthful. He grabs the bottle from me and guzzles some himself. We have this strange moment where I’m holding the lid of the bottle in my hand and without words he puts the bottle back into its lid, and starts twisting it in place, while I’m holding the lid still in my hand. We have these shared moments all the time. I often wonder if I’m the only one who notices. Then we lie there silently again. Finally, he says “Your room is really dry.”
“Yeah” I reply.
“I’m gonna get some water.”

I’m relieved at his bullshit excuse. He just drank some water. I didn’t care, though. I knew he wasn’t coming back. I knew he was going to sleep on the couch. I knew in the morning nothing would said about what happened. I wished in a way, it had gotten a little more awkward. That perhaps we had slept together. Then again, I’m also glad we didn’t. I couldn’t stop playing what had happened all night. It was great and awful all at the same time.

In the morning, it was awful. that not so fresh "what the fuck?" was overwhelming. I couldn’t even go anywhere near him. I know at some point I’ll have to face him. I mean, we live together. I can’t avoid him forever. I know whatever happened will be just something silly we did in the moment. I doubt we’ll even speak of it. Even if we do, we'll make a joke of it. Like we always do. I don't know? I just sort of wished that he really cared for once. I just wished that it meant something to him. I'm once again a total moron. I want to chop my heart out with a spoon. can I do that? Emotions suck my ass.