I told him.

After years of holding it in, I finally told him. It wasn't the way I planned it. It wasn't when the both of us were drunk, under good lighting, a well thought out speech, to which he sweeps me up in his arms saying he's felt the very same way, himself. No, none of that. It was just an outburst, an uncontrollable force of nature. I guess as it was meant to be.

I had fallen asleep the other night, and was woken up by my door swinging open and my roommate falling on top of me. In some magical land this might of been great, but in my land it was just him being sad again about something that other girl, the one he actually likes had done. What she did doesn't matter. I just couldn't listen anymore. I laid in my bed thinking, I can't be the one he goes to when everything is wrong with her. I'm not his back-up! But, also, as a friend, I needed to tell him that he doesn't deserve to be put down. She was telling him things like he's small town, and other bullshit. Talking about how he doesn't make enough money, how all the other guys she's been with buy her nice things, blah, blah, blah...

I can't even get a guy to give me a birthday text, so fuck her and her gifts!

I walked outside, and I just said it, I said, "You know I've had feelings for you for years now, and I haven't said anything."

His only response,"I know."

"Well, good. The point is, you don't deserve to have anyone treat you like this, so as a friend more than any of my feelings, you don't deserve to have anyone treat you the way she's been treating you. You're a good guy. That's all."

Then I went back to bed. I haven't even seen him since then, he hasn't been home. I'm sure that's for the best. I don't even know what to do when he comes home? I feel as though I should offer to move out. I mean, we can't live like this, with me in love with him. He's never going to love me.

I do feel better in an odd way, I mean, now that it's out. It's kinda like someone finally dying of cancer, you knew it was going to happen, you just didn't know when. You always hoped they would recover, but it just never looked very hopeful. I guess his, "I know." said everything. I don't feel stupid. I just feel like I wasted my time a bit. I a bit sad as well. Maybe I needed him to love? Maybe I wasn't ready to open my heart up, and now I am. I mean, not yet. But, that's okay. There's always time. I once read that when our heartbreaks, those are the openings to allow more love in, so, I'm just opening my heart more. This time, for somebody that will love me back.

love with the world

I think I'm in love with the world. I'm a silly fool. what good is my love, if I love everyone? Anywho, one of the boys that I love, this guy that works at one of my other jobs. I work at a restaurant too. I've had a crush on him for a while, not like I love my roommate, but, I think he's pretty neat. He's tall, 6'2", he has salt and pepper hair, but is way to young to have it. I don't know why that's so sexy to me? He's also into music, like me. I could tell because, he asked me if I wanted to see a sublime cover band one time...well, he asked my friend, but, I was standing by her, so to be polite, he asked us both. He can also dance, which is awesome, and is pretty funny. However, he has a girlfriend. I'm fully retarded. I don't even know why I bother liking anyone. Also, I act like such a total fuck head when he's around. Like, a super mega nimrod.

One time he came over and I was dancing to New Kids on The Block. Yeah, that's right! It wasn't cute. I wish I could be like my friend Jean at work. She's really got her shit together, and she's stunning. (Bitch, just kidding) She has this raven black hair and sky blue eyes. She the manager where I work, and all the boys love her. She's also super nice and funny. She's who I'd like to be if I ever grew up. I'm just funny. I mean, guys don't want a girl that can burp better than they can. If they did I would be racking up the dates. The Mexican bus boys love me. I mean, I love them too. But, not like that.

I was hanging out a friend of mine, He was telling me that what I feel for my roommate isn't really love anyway. Real love is returned. Love doesn't cause you pain. I'm just infatuated. Real love is when it's returned, and given. One day, I'll find that. I'm learning to make boundaries. It's not easy. I'm trying to simply have friendships now. When the time is right, the love will be there. I will always have crushes, obsessions and intrigues. One day, I'll find what The Buddha taught: N’atthi santi param sukham. This means, literally, “There is no greater pleasure than peace.” just try to look for what feels good and bring me joy, light and peace. Stop looking for things that I like, but they make me sad, and give me nothing in the end.

Kinda Like a Date

I was in the bathroom at Barnes and Noble in Union Square recently, washing out my pits, shaving my legs and plucking my chin hairs; when out of no where this stunning pixie blond asks, if she looks okay? Her face is totally flushed, and I inform her that she's a little pinkish, and question whether or not she's feeling well? Then, She bursts out, "See, the thing is I'm seeing my ex-girlfriend, and I haven't seen her in like nine months...and..I'm just kinda freaking out!" Wow, haven't we all been there before. I mean, not all of us in the Barnes and Noble bathroom, but...It's nerve racking to see your ex for the first time. Although, I must say that guys always appear to be far better at it than I am. God bless'em for it. It makes my life so much easier. I don't need them being all freaked out too. I need them to be the voice of reason.

Anywho, we talked for about a half an hour, and then exchanged facebooks. that's how it's done now. No phone numbers. Just facebook. then, if they earn it, the number. Then we chatted via facebook, and met up for coffee, the coffee turned into dinner, and the whole thing felt very much like a date. Now I'm asking myself, am I gay? I mean, I know I'm not. but, she's pretty cute.

On a roomie side note: The douche was in my bed this morning spooning me, he suggested we get a one bedroom. He's a retard. He's not dating the girl anymore, so he can have me as his back-up sexless girlfriend again. I'm over it.