I told him.

After years of holding it in, I finally told him. It wasn't the way I planned it. It wasn't when the both of us were drunk, under good lighting, a well thought out speech, to which he sweeps me up in his arms saying he's felt the very same way, himself. No, none of that. It was just an outburst, an uncontrollable force of nature. I guess as it was meant to be.

I had fallen asleep the other night, and was woken up by my door swinging open and my roommate falling on top of me. In some magical land this might of been great, but in my land it was just him being sad again about something that other girl, the one he actually likes had done. What she did doesn't matter. I just couldn't listen anymore. I laid in my bed thinking, I can't be the one he goes to when everything is wrong with her. I'm not his back-up! But, also, as a friend, I needed to tell him that he doesn't deserve to be put down. She was telling him things like he's small town, and other bullshit. Talking about how he doesn't make enough money, how all the other guys she's been with buy her nice things, blah, blah, blah...

I can't even get a guy to give me a birthday text, so fuck her and her gifts!

I walked outside, and I just said it, I said, "You know I've had feelings for you for years now, and I haven't said anything."

His only response,"I know."

"Well, good. The point is, you don't deserve to have anyone treat you like this, so as a friend more than any of my feelings, you don't deserve to have anyone treat you the way she's been treating you. You're a good guy. That's all."

Then I went back to bed. I haven't even seen him since then, he hasn't been home. I'm sure that's for the best. I don't even know what to do when he comes home? I feel as though I should offer to move out. I mean, we can't live like this, with me in love with him. He's never going to love me.

I do feel better in an odd way, I mean, now that it's out. It's kinda like someone finally dying of cancer, you knew it was going to happen, you just didn't know when. You always hoped they would recover, but it just never looked very hopeful. I guess his, "I know." said everything. I don't feel stupid. I just feel like I wasted my time a bit. I a bit sad as well. Maybe I needed him to love? Maybe I wasn't ready to open my heart up, and now I am. I mean, not yet. But, that's okay. There's always time. I once read that when our heartbreaks, those are the openings to allow more love in, so, I'm just opening my heart more. This time, for somebody that will love me back.