love with the world

I think I'm in love with the world. I'm a silly fool. what good is my love, if I love everyone? Anywho, one of the boys that I love, this guy that works at one of my other jobs. I work at a restaurant too. I've had a crush on him for a while, not like I love my roommate, but, I think he's pretty neat. He's tall, 6'2", he has salt and pepper hair, but is way to young to have it. I don't know why that's so sexy to me? He's also into music, like me. I could tell because, he asked me if I wanted to see a sublime cover band one time...well, he asked my friend, but, I was standing by her, so to be polite, he asked us both. He can also dance, which is awesome, and is pretty funny. However, he has a girlfriend. I'm fully retarded. I don't even know why I bother liking anyone. Also, I act like such a total fuck head when he's around. Like, a super mega nimrod.

One time he came over and I was dancing to New Kids on The Block. Yeah, that's right! It wasn't cute. I wish I could be like my friend Jean at work. She's really got her shit together, and she's stunning. (Bitch, just kidding) She has this raven black hair and sky blue eyes. She the manager where I work, and all the boys love her. She's also super nice and funny. She's who I'd like to be if I ever grew up. I'm just funny. I mean, guys don't want a girl that can burp better than they can. If they did I would be racking up the dates. The Mexican bus boys love me. I mean, I love them too. But, not like that.

I was hanging out a friend of mine, He was telling me that what I feel for my roommate isn't really love anyway. Real love is returned. Love doesn't cause you pain. I'm just infatuated. Real love is when it's returned, and given. One day, I'll find that. I'm learning to make boundaries. It's not easy. I'm trying to simply have friendships now. When the time is right, the love will be there. I will always have crushes, obsessions and intrigues. One day, I'll find what The Buddha taught: N’atthi santi param sukham. This means, literally, “There is no greater pleasure than peace.” just try to look for what feels good and bring me joy, light and peace. Stop looking for things that I like, but they make me sad, and give me nothing in the end.